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#15: Malcolm's annoying chair
I was supervising a few students during their individual play time,
when I heard the ear-piercing roar of our fire alarm. I immediately
assumed my typical position next to the door, making sure the tards
make it outside, while my aides herded them towards me.
Malcolm decided he doesn't want to go outside. The
aide assisting Malcolm
starts pushing him towards the door, and he immediately slams his
chair into reverse. She pushes harder, the motor starts making
a loud buzzing sound, and the room smells faintly of burnt oil.
I step forward and move Malcolm's finger off of the control, after this
he starts rolling towards the door. The second I turn around to
check on the other tards he hits reverse again. Hearing that load motor
buzz, I swing around and grab the side of Malcolm's chair, sliding his
arm off the side and into his lap, making it impossible for him to hit
his finger control. The aide then pushed him out the door.
Once we were outside and lined up, I put Malcolm's arm back on the side of
his chair. Malcolm immediately started flying back towards the room. I grabbed his chair and held him in place, while the motor made that
nice buzzing sound. Now all the teachers and their classes are
staring at me holding this wheelchair tard in place while his chair is
making the most horrendous buzzing sound ever.
I finally got fed up.
In the hopes that he would drain his battery, I put on the manual breaks
and walked back over to our classes line. Malcolm must have sat there
buzzing for a good ten minutes. Finally after all the other classes
went back, including ours, I took off his brakes and allowed him back
into the building.
I still don't know why Malcolm wanted to be in the
building so much.
#16:
Joe's Assignment
In the front of my class I have a bin for submitted assignments. At
the end of the day I'll go through it. Occasionally someone submits
some work that's worth grading, usually however I just find spit balls,
used tissues, chewed pencils, sheets of paper with curse words all
over them, or someone's book. Today I was particularly bad, and I
was basically dumping the bin into the garbage, when I came across
Joe's submission.
Joe had taken a piece of paper, folded it in eight, as we usually do
for math problems. Then instead of just using the eight rectangles for
the problems, he cut each one out and made a stack of papers. He
stapled the stack together, and submitted his work that way. This
amazes me for several reasons:
-First of all the papers were cut, not ripped, this means he
had to have access to a pair of scissors.
-Second the cuts were actually
straight, very unlike Joe.
-Third, he had access to a stapler to put it
together.
Despite this amazing effort, he didn't actually do any of the problems. Apparently
after all that hard work making the booklet he didn't feel like putting anything
in it.
#17:
Kunte still likes the bathroom:
Today Kunte asked me if he could use the bathroom. Since he hadn't
already used all his bathroom visits, I let him. Once again, he spent
a good 15 minutes in there, but I didn't hear any flushing or gurgling
sounds. I knocked on the door and didn't get any response. Finally I
opened the door to see what was going on.
Kunte was laying face down in the middle of the bathroom with his eyes
closed. Immediately fearing the worst I rushed over to him to see if
he was alive. As soon as I sat next to him and started looking for
vital signs he sits up and looks at me. In a frantic voice, I asked
him if he was alright, if anything was wrong. He smiled and said,
"No I was just sleeping."
"Sleeping?!?", I inquired, "If you needed to
take a nap you could have asked to go to the nurse, why are you sleeping
in the bathroom".
"Because the tile is cool."
#18:
Supermarket serves fresh tard:
I was going through the supermarket around 12:00AM last night. I
usually shop late at night, as there is less of a chance of bumping into
anyone I know. I was going through frozen food section, when I
see one of my tards on the other side of the freezer glass, mashed in between
packages of frozen corn and peas. He was
smiling and fogging up the window while beating on the glass and saying "Miss Hammon!"
over and over.
I'm think to myself, "What a fucked up supermarket--they serve frozen tard."
After that I thought, "Were the hell are his parents?". I was relieved
to find that it was one of the push open kinds of freezer doors as he let
himself out and walked over to me. I told him what he was doing is very
dangerous and he could suffocate. This agitated him, and he consequently
told me I was a cunt and that he thought I would like the surprise. He
then spit on the floor and walked away.
I never found out if he was with his parents or not.
#19:
Joe's Pencil:
Needless to say, that tard room I work in doesn't have a pencil
sharpener. I have one that suction cups to my desk that I keep in a
locked drawer. Whenever I need to sharpen a pencil, I take it out,
clamp it down, and sharpen away. Today I got the sharpener out for
Antonio's pencil. I figured while I have it out I might as well ask if
any of the other tards need their pencils sharpened. I make this
announcement, and Joe immediately wedges his head under his desk and
starts crying.
This doesn't surprise me. Joe usually acts this way whenever he has
done something wrong. I walk over to him and ask him what the problem
is.
"Nothin'" he replies.
I go back to my desk to begin sharpening
tard pencils. Most of the tards come up, including Joe. One by one
they hand me their pencils and I sharpen them. Joe steps up and hands
me a magic marker.
I manage to explain to Joe that
it isn't a pencil, and you don't need to sharpen it. Joe insists that
it is a pencil and that I have to sharpen it. I'm about to explain for
a second time, when Joe grabs the marker and shoves it in the pencil
sharpener. He starts cranking the poor thing like crazy and the marker
begins bleeding all over the desk. By the time I pulled Joe away from
the sharpener he had mauled the marker down to a one inch stub.
I made Joe sit down and write an apology, with a pencil that I provided.
In his apology Joe wrote about how he had lost his pencil and he thought
I would be angry, so he brought up a marker. He wrote that he thought he could
trick me, and he is sorry.
#20: The Tard Crusher:
It’s surprisingly difficult for most of my students to really injure themselves.
Most of them don’t have the manual dexterity to open their crayon boxes, never
the less stab themselves with giant tard pencils. The majority of injuries are
caused by inanimate objects that the tards tend to fall on, the edge of a
cabinet, the floor, a table leg, etc. It’s for this reason that I try to keep
furniture in my room well spaced out. This tends to make things safe and
wheelchair accessible.
There is one piece of furniture however, that no matter where I put it it is
unsafe. I like to call this beast, “The Tard Crusher”. It is a giant, green,
five-drawer filing cabinet that must be from the early 19th century. The edges
are sharp, the thing weighs a ton, it always teeters and rocks as if it is about
to fall, and best of all, the non-locking drawers slide open easily and slam
closed even easier. Why do I have this archaic tard mutilation device you ask?
Well it’s the only fucking filing cabinet the school will give me. I have to
keep all my records somewhere, and despite numerous requests they simply won’t
give me another filing cabinet.
Just to give you and idea of how much I hate this piece of shit. Let me tell you
some of the things it has done to my students and me:
1. The first day I got it, one of the drawers slammed shut on my finger as I was
putting the files in. We’re not talking about any little bruise or tiny cut
either, I bleed for a good couple of minutes, before the butterfly bandage the
nurse gave me even helped.
2. A while ago, Jason ran into the cabinet full speed and fell flat on his back.
I don’t consider this the cabinet’s fault, as Jason is a dumb shit and that’s
what he gets for running around the classroom, but then the bottom drawer slid
open and clocked the poor kid in the head while he was lying on the ground in
front of it. It was almost as if the drawer was consciously punishing him.
3. The class used to have a fish bowl on top of the cabinet with African claw
frogs in it. One time, one of the cabinet legs bent in and the fish bowl fell on
the floor. It took me most of that morning to calm down the tards.
4. A strap to one of Malcolm’s cushions got caught on the sharp edge of a
partially opened drawer. Malcolm flipped out and started trying to get away as
fast as his chair could carry him. The cabinet began to tip towards him, but
luckily one of my aids grabbed the cabinet before it could topple onto him. The
cushion from his chair was torn out, but Malcolm lived.
#21:
New computer isn’t “Tard-proof”:
The administration of my school in their infinite wisdom decided it would be a
good idea to give our classroom a new computer.
Never mind the fact that we have
a filing cabinet that is older than any of the staff, and has a history of
trying to kill my students. They decided not to replace that, but instead
replace our perfectly functional computer. If I sound bitter, it’s because I am,
but the administration soon learned the error of their
ways.
Our classroom originally had an Apple IIe computer. The tards were
allowed computer time as a reward for doing something correctly, i.e..
going a full day without swearing, not hitting anyone for a week, not
shitting their pants, etc.
This computer was very simple to use.
The aids put a game disk in the drive and turned the computer on. Most
of the tards who manage to get computer time know how to mash the space
and enter keys, and that tends to be all that their games require.
This computer never gave us a problem, other than occasionally having
to pull shit out of the keyboard or turn it off and back on again
because it got dropped. It managed to sustain drool, temper tantrums,
flying objects, and repeated unplugging.
The same could not be said for our new computer. First of all we had
to get all new games. The tards didn’t like this. It was frustrating
enough for them to learn how to play the games the first time, having to
do it twice was just unthinkable. This lead to a general dislike of the
new computer amongst the tards.
One day Leigh saw one of my aids insert
a CD-ROM into the CD drive to install a program. As soon as the aid
turned her back Leigh had hit the eject button and slammed her hand on
the tray hard enough to break it.
This made the situation much worse. Not only didn’t the tards like
the new games, but we couldn’t even install them. After disciplining
Leigh (she lost computer time indefinitely), I called the librarian
(our schools PC technician) to tell her what happened. She said she
would bring down a new CD-ROM and install it around lunch time. I asked
her if we could have our old computer back, and she told me that the
new one was far better, and I should really forget about the old one.
This pissed me off. No librarian bitch is going to tell me what’s best
for my class. I decided it was about time Jason got some computer time.
It took Jason about 3 minutes of frustration before he kicked the
monitor off the table and hit the computer with his chair. Apparently
he couldn’t figure out how to get the games started. The librarian
gave us back our old computer because the cost of replacing our new one
was just too much. Jason got punished, I took away his computer time
indefinitely, or more specifically until I need another computer
smashed.
#21:
Antonio’s Desk:
Twice a marking period we have desk clean out. This is when the students have to
take out everything inside their desk and throw away the stuff they don’t really
need. You wouldn’t believe some of the shit that these tards have been keeping
in their desk.
By far the scariest desk was Antonio’s. He doesn’t throw
anything away, and because of his obsessive behavior he flips out whenever we
try to explain to him that he has to get rid of it. Some of the interesting
things we found in his desk include.
1. A large pile of bloody fingernails. Antonio bites his fingernails like till
they bleed and he tends to hoard them in certain places. I had to get out the
latex gloves to clean this mess up.
2. A large pile of chewed tard pencils. These pencils were beyond destroyed,
they were compost. The shear quantity of wood and graphite that this kid must
ingest could probably kill a small mammal.
3. Four rolls of toilet paper, stolen from the bathroom. When I asked Antonio
why he had these, he responded “Just in case”. I mean, what kind of fucking
accident, and trust me I’ve seen them all, is going to require four full rolls
of toilet paper?
4. A bunch of rubber bands. These I took away immediately. [See CITE]
In the end I explained to Antonio that he should only keep assignments, paper,
and pencils in his desk. I then took away all his stuff and gave him two new
pencils. I doubt they will make it to the end of the day.
Archived
Tard Blog entries:
The best ones are in bold.
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Riti
Sped Archives
2002 |
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Sarah Hammon
Archives |
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11/23:
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The First Entry
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1 |
Malcolm's Chair of Death |
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12/2:
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Tards and stickers
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2 |
Tard likes stretchy things |
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12/4: |
Even Riti Sped can be immature |
3 |
Fun with water |
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12/5: |
Francis:
The Worst Tard Ever
Another
long day |
4 |
Tard has touching problems |
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12/6: |
The
field trip
The
post field-trip |
5 |
Antonio's Revenge |
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12/8: |
More
parents stories |
6 |
Cops
take Tard |
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12/10:
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Meet Augusta...but don't
touch him
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7 |
Tards have food fight |
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12/14:
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Another
Francis story
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8 |
Tard likes fire |
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12/15:
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Tard
nearly kills old person
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9 |
Tard curses poorly |
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12/16:
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Tard
brings candy, flips out
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10 |
Angelo learns not to lie |
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12/17:
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Tard
nearly ruins date
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11 |
Librarian meets Joe |
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12/18:
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Tard
doesn't like rat tails
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12 |
Macaroni Fiasco |
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12/19: |
If
you cross Riti Sped, you could get deported
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13 |
Tard loses fight |
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12/20:
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Even punishments can be funny
Every student is funny in their own way
Tard
flips out, makes a mess
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14 |
Classroom gains “new-tard” smell |
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12/22:
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A review of Riti Sped's Christmas gifts
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12/23:
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Riti's
favorite tard
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12/30:
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Augusta
the thief
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12/31:
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Jamel likes Riti's friends
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2003 |
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1/6:
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Augusta's fear of germs hit new level
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1/7:
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Riti's class makes stuff for Tucker
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1/8:
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An
average day in Riti's life
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1/10:
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Lewis is funny
Retardism runs in Family
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1/11:
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Riti teaches the tards about sex
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1/13:
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Tards contribute snacks
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1/14:
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Augusta won't touch mail either
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1/15:
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New kid has interesting background
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1/16:
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Tard parents makes ass out of himself, literally
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1/17:
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Guest Contributor: What it's like
in Riti's class
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1/20:
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Tom gets upset
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1/21:
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Sub is not welcomed
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1/22:
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More Tyrell stories
Tyler's father is the retarded one
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1/23:
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Poetic justice is sweet
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1/24:
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Riti a teacher, not a dietician
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1/25:
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Tards go to play, all hell breaks loose
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1/27:
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Lindsay's
OCD causes problems
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1/28:
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The
Tyrell Lap
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1/29:
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Book
Order Day
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1/30:
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Augusta gets fed up, tries to kill classmate
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1/31:
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Tyler's
nose candy
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2/3:
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Tard birthdays are non-traditional
Lunch lady gets the smack
down
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2/4:
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Jamel loses lunch friend
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2/5:
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Augusta caught in a
lie
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2/6:
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Augusta doesn't like tard
birthday
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2/7:
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New kid might have
problems
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2/10: |
Show and tell |
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2/11: |
Lindsay is observant |
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2/12: |
Eye and ear test produces surprising results |
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2/13: |
Valentines Day Party |
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2/14: |
Tards send themselves cards |
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1 |
Augusta steals, again |
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2 |
Jamel
kills another animal |
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3 |
The
new, new kid |
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4 |
Tom
loses it |
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5 |
Tyrell has problems with referees |
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6 |
Treat jar causes problems |
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7 |
Augusta steals more food |
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8 |
Augusta's criminal activities move up in scope |
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9 |
New New Kid's mom going overboard |
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10 |
Van ride goes wrong |
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11 |
New mother reads her Machiavelli |
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12 |
Tyler and Tyrell visit their father in jail |
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13 |
Lewis becomes obsessed |
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14 |
St. Paddy's Day |
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15 |
Brian likes movies |
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16 |
Another day in a tard class |
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17 |
Student mismanages money |
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18 |
Mom's math sucks |
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19 |
Tard has problems with change: |
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20 |
Tards learn about different races: |
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21 |
Augusta and his bling-bling |
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22 |
Tards not ready for upper level sports |
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23
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Tard gets sassy
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