The Tard Blog

12/22: A review of Riti Sped's Christmas gifts:

The season of giving takes a whole new meaning when you are a special education teacher. Every year I get ridiculous gifts. I would rather get a simple hug around my legs accompanied by large quantities of drool, rather than what my kids bring me. For the most part I just thank the tards, take the gifts home, re-wrap them, and give them to other tards in my class. No one knows the difference, and everyone is happy. Here are some of the gifts I got this year: 

 

--The stickers are from Brad, the kid who furiously tore apart his stickerbook while calling me an asshole and a greedy bitch in entry 12/2, Tards and stickers. Because of this specific outburst, all of the tards will be rewarded with these stickers for their stickerbooks except for Brad.

 

--A used book. The binding is worn and it even smells like mothballs. Great. The Frango breathmints are a nice touch. This is a puzzling gift, because I am the only one out of all the kids who actually brushes their teeth on a regular basis. 

 

--Unpackaged cocoa mix and marshmallows! SOMEBODY fucking touched this shit. Thanks, I'll pass on the Christmas Hepatitis C to all my friends. I'm sure they'll be very appreciative.

 

--An assortment of stupid shit

1. I have always hated stretch mittens. Especially this pair--blue and green stripes?! I wouldn't give these to a freezing homeless person, and even if I did he'd probably throw them back in my face. 

2. Stupid Cheap Christmas Ornaments. I don't have a fucking tree, and these ornaments are gay anyway. If you want any of the pictured ornaments, they are currently in the dumpster behind my house. 

3. More fucking cocoa mix! I've never once drank cocoa in front of my tards, or ever claimed to like it, yet come Christmas time, I get it by the bushel. At least this time it is packaged. It will sit in the top drawer of my desk for years, until I use it as a birthday gift for one of my other tards.

4. Washable markers? Yes, thank you, I am not retarded, I can draw inside the lines and on appropriate surfaces. 

5. A book about the solar system. What am I going to do with this? Read it to the class? They won't understand it.

 

--This is a tard card. This is the front of the card, and this is the message on the inside. This card is funny for the following reasons:

1. It is a cat saying "Hi Hun."

2. The front says, "To: Miss [Sped] From: ???" The girl who gave this to me did so in person, and she also signed her fucking name on the inside. So what is up with the little guessing game???? 

3. Numerous misspellings. Some are phonetically impossible. I blame myself, as I am obviously a poor teacher. Oh wait, nevermind, she's retarded. 

 

--Chocolate dipped pretzel sticks wrapped in Kleenex, in the cardboard box, with the Homer Simpson pencil holder that has "Carpe Diem: Seize the Donut" written on the front. I don't even know what to say about this.

 

--A dog dish. This I actually like. It is a hell of a paint job, especially for a tard. It was painted at one of those little places where you pick out something and paint it (note that I already put some of my shit in it.)

 

--This is classic. The Starbucks Christmas bear--from 2000--in a "Happy Birthday" bag. My birthday is in July. Maybe the tard's parents can't read either. 

 

--Your run of the mill tard love letter.

 

--I got a Starbucks gift card from a girl whose mom has attempted suicide numerous times. The gift card was for 20 bucks. I was slightly excited about it, because this is finally a gift I can use, as opposed to the normal tard gifts.

 

I tried to use it the next day. The Starbucks cashier swiped it, and then asked me to wait while she got a manager. The card had never been activated! The mother had jacked it from Starbucks without considering the whole activation aspect. 

 

It was so embarrassing. I didn't even try to explain the story to the manager because it is so ridiculous. Everyone there thought I stole it and and tried to use it. I paid for the latte, but was angry and embarrassed about it. To The Mom: Merry Fucking Christmas to you, too.

 

--I did get one good thing---a Barnes and Noble gift card. And this one was not stolen! The mom is a nurse and normal. Once I opened it I knew exactly what it would be used for: My new coffee table book will be Tucker Max's Definitive Book of Pick-Up Lines.

 

 

 

 

 

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