The Tard Blog

#3: The new, new kid:

I got a new kid this week. The circumstances behind his arrival at my school are funny.

 

I am at Bally's on the treadmill. I am also on my phone--talking loud, swearing, laughing loudly, saying highly inappropriate things. Everyone around me is glaring at me. Except for one lady, who moves from the bike to the treadmill next to me. I continue my conversation, and end it with "Fuck You Lorrie, call me later."

 

The woman starts laughing uncontrollably, looks at me, and laughs louder. She then says, "If that's how you talk to your friends, I'd hate to see how you talk to your enemies!"

 

I am not OK with this comment. She had been listening to my conversation, and is now trying to talk to me. This sort of thing annoys me. I mutter "yeah" to her, pull my hat down a little further, and flip open my magazine. This is no deterring this woman. She says "Oh, I read Newsweek too. Isn't it a great magazine?" This was quite possibly the dumbest thing anyone had ever said to me.

 

I look up at her with my best "what the fuck?" look. This does not silence her. She holds out her hand and says "Oh, I am Pam by the way." I automatically assume she is a lesbian. Fifty thousand things I could say to her are going through my head. "Riti" I say to her and held out my hand.

 

"You are cracking me up," she says. "What do you do?"

I act like I am reading my magazine and mutter "I'm a teacher."

"Oh, thats so great!! Wow, what a tough job you have."

I give her a half ass smile.

"What do you teach?"

"Special Education."

"No way!! My son is in special Ed classes. He has muscular dystrophy and Autism."

At this comment, I exhausted myself trying to hold in my laughter.

She continues, "I am looking for a really good school to place him in. What school are you at?"

I answer her, reluctantly, as she is obviously fucked in the head.

"Oh, I know where that is. Do you have a good program there?"

"Yes"

"Do you accept out of district transfers?"

"If there is room, yes."

"Do you have any space right now?"

"I just lost two, so yes, I do. It is nice with not as many kids."

"Well, I just think you are fabulous! I am going to see about transferring my son to your class."

 

At this point I hit the stop button on the treadmill. I am waiting for an "I'm kidding" to come out of her blabbering mouth. I continue to wait as she plays twenty questions with me. Finally I have had it. I give her a card and tell her to call the school to check on the specifics of a transfer.

 

Nine days later she calls me at work. "Guess Who...?" she said.

 

Oh, Fuck, I got kids snorting pixie sticks over here, I don't have time for this shit.

 

She is calling to tell me her son will start in my class on Monday. I tell her how happy I am to hear that, or some bullshit, and hang up.

 

I completely forget that this new kid will be coming until Sunday. He shows up on Monday, but I am not there. His mother calls my house repeatedly.

 

Tuesday I finally meet the kid. He is eight years old, blonde hair, blotchy red skin. He should not be in my class. He has severe problems, far beyond anything my class is equipped to deal with. He uses a walker, is pigeon toed, has a hearing aid, drools uncontrollably, and the poor kid has progeria. He is is bad shape. He can do nothing by himself. He loses balance when transferring from his walker to a chair. He falls over like ten times a day.

 

The worst part is that his mother dresses him like he is Prince Harry. He comes to school everyday in deck shoes, polo sweaters, khaki pants, suede jackets, etc. He is like the retarded Armani poster child.

 

This combination was the most alarming thing I had ever seen.

 

It is difficult to watch him eat. All those nice clothes get covered with shit. And he eats tapioca pudding every single day. This disturbs me to no end.

 

He has NO academic capabilities. None. He can barely talk. He can't even comprehend holding up three fingers.

 

But possibly the worst part is that every morning his mother walks him in and brings me something. Tuesday it was a latte and a muffin. Wednesday she brought me stationary. Thursday a desk calendar. But Friday is the kicker, she shows up with A FUCKING TURTLE. MY GOD WOMAN, I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE.

 

As for a husband? He committed suicide six years ago.

 

I can't help this kid. He needs physical therapy, not school. And he is exposed to the behavior problem kids that I have. He doesn't understand their funniness, but still, he doesn't need to be around them.

 

 

 

 

 

Back to The Tard Blog

 

Copyright 2002-3, Tucker Max & Riti Sped. All rights reserved.