The Tard Blog

#1: Malcolm's Chair of Death

Let me introduce you to Malcolm. He is a retarded child with mobility issues. He can move around in a powered wheelchair by using a pointing device attached to his left finger. It is very hard for Malcolm to use his arms or legs, but he has full control of his facial muscles. He is always finding ways to do things with his mouth and tongue. I once had to pry his face off of the paper towel dispenser because he was "getting a paper towel for Leigh".

Malcolm has serious allergy problems. He is always snorting and lapping at his running nose with his tongue. He spends much of the day looking like he's trying to bite his own face and making noises like a grunting pig on speed.

Yesterday, Malcolm sneezed on Antonio. Antonio proceeded to leap several feet out of his chair and slap Malcolm across the face with his reading book. Antonio was raising the book for another swing when I grabbed his arm and yelled for one
of the aides to call the principal on the intercom.


Thinking the threat was over I turned to start escorting Antonio out. All of the sudden Malcolm rammed his wheelchair full speed into the back of Antonio's leg. He then backed up and hit him again, and was backing up a third time before I placed my foot on the arm of his electric battering ram.

Imagine this scene: I am practically dangling a tard by his arm, while fending off another wheelchair tard with my foot when the principal walks in. Needless to say I received quite a funny look from the principal. Both the boys received a one day suspension. When Malcolm comes back I think I may take the battery out of his chair.





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